Let's blow up the moon!

That thing sucks. What's the point of it anyway? My dad used to call it "earth's freeloader". I fucking hate that thing. We've got all these nukes just sitting around gathering dust while this asshole keeps flying around, shining down on us 27 nights a month? Do we live in Guam or something?

Yet if I was to punch you, I would go to jail

This is literally the worst thing I have ever seen in my life.

Apparently this "Stephanie Klein" is some sort of internet celebrity. Maybe I'm being a dick or a hater or whatever, but fuck it. This shit is terrible. This is why I've never watched more than three seconds of "Sex & The City". I can't stand this self-referential "I'm such a bad girl" sorority bullshit.

You know what's even worse than the junior high confessional flowers & tampons-style content of these posts? The comments from those pouring slavish adoration on this idiot.

I feel bad for even linking this. If you get a seizure from reading it, does that make me liable for any damages? I better call my lawyer. Am I bitter? Yes, but not because I'm jealous, this is just pure hatred. I'm thinking about deleting my blog just to distance myself from the chance I could ever become this self-absorbed and horrible.

Just kidding, I love everyone!

commercials that don't make any sense

you know that boost mobile one where fat joe doesn't go to a concert or something because he doesn't have a cell phone back ten years ago before boost mobile even existed and then he becomes a pet psychic? that's stupid because they say he has a "lucrative" pet psychic business yet the moral of the story seems to be that because he didn't have something that didn't even exist he was poor. but luckily he apparently did have something that didn't even exist so now he's rich. even though they said he had a lucrative business. that means "earns him a lot of money". You see where I'm going with this, people? who the fuck has a prepaid phone anyway? what kind of convicted rapist shit credit do you have to have to get one of these things? they're like 25 cents a minute. I talk on my phone an average of 1000 minutes a month, that would be 250 bucks. plus there's all sorts of other fees. so the irony of this whole situation is that these people who are too piss poor to spend 60 bucks a month on a decent cell phone service end up breaking their kid's piggy banks to pay these ridiculous cell phone bills that they can't afford. I really have no pity for these people though. "I ruined my credit cuz the credit card companies tricked me". who the fuck doesn't realize that 22% interest isn't a good deal? "but they gave me a free t-shirt". goddamit, you're stupid. you deserve to get ripped off. I mean it. I'm glad you're on welfare and your kids have to wear pants made out of surplus carpet to school. good thing you didn't get that abortion! hey I know, let's go see the dukes of hazzard movie, that looks great! I'll brush my teeth later, when I have diabetes! reality tv has to be real, how else could they call it reality? oh damn, madtv is funny!
ok, I'm done.

If I was a superhero

I've definitely got my super power picked out. If I was a superhero I would have the ability to make up cheesy pet names way too early in a relationship. Like I would start calling the girl "kitten" or something by the end of our second date. My name would be "Way Too Early Cheesy Pet Name Guy" or something catchy like that. I guess I could do that anyway, without being a superhero, huh? I guess I should have thought of that before writing this post. Boy, am I stupid.

I'm lazy, here's a repost

The Revenge

The first time my family went to Los Angeles, it was to appear on the gameshow "Family Feud". This was during the "Ray Combs" era. Not the old guy who kissed everybody and not the guy from Home Improvement. This guy was in the middle. I think he killed himself.

Anyway, I came to LA with a plan and I didn't go 3000 miles to see it fail.
I was 15 and still too young to enjoy the city's famous casinos so I decided to forego sight-seeing with my parents and instead chose to focus on my surveys and back episode tapes.

Around 2pm on the third day, we were whisked to the studio in a mini-van. We spent a few minutes in hair and makeup and then it was showtime! We quickly rode out to a big lead, thanks in no small part to my own mastery of the game. My strategy, as discussed with my family was to leave the guessing to the other team whenever possible. That way, after the morons got their three strikes, I could give my mom, our team captain, the correct answer. It worked extremely well until my sister Karen lost the showdown and the other team, copying my strategy, no doubt, chose us to play. It got a little hairy for a while, we got up to two strikes but luckily my older brother Jake guessed that out of 100 women surveyed, six would say "their husband" was the one thing they would take on a desert isle.

Our chance in the finals now clinched, my mom and I were picked to play the final round. She decided to go first and I went backstage to wait. They put some headphones over my head, which actually played the Paramount Studios Daily Jobline, which I thought was weird. After a few minutes, they called me back on stage with the good news: my mother had gotten 192 points! It was unheard of, no one had ever done that well. What can I say? My mom knows her stuff.

Now it was my turn. I stepped up to the podium, the host put his hand on my back and went into the spiel. I had 25 seconds. First I had to come up with "The Top Thing People Say to Loved One at a Funeral." I took a deep breath and prepared to give my first answer.

"Shit fucker."

A gasp from the audience, then silence. A producer came out and whispered in Mr. Combs ear. I noticed the clock had been stopped. I knew I couldn't look over at my family or I'd start laughing. Those pricks.

"Mr. Filipkowski," the weasely producer was saying to me, "you can't say that kind of language on television!"

"Oh no?" I feigned surprise, "wait, what did I say?"

"You said 'shit fucker', Mr. Filipkowski."

"I did? It must be nerves. I've never been on a big-time TV show, mister."

"Well just don't do it again, got it?"

The sketpical producer left. Ray Combs gave me a pat on the back and told me to just relax. He repeated the question, the clock had been reset and I took another deep breath.

"Abortion sandwich."

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Mr. Combs had lost his cool. Again, the producer came out, more hushed discussion. I overheard him say it wasn't a swear-word, it was just in poor taste. Ray Combs turned to me, "Don't you want to win this kid? Take your head out of your ass!"

Yes, indeed. Didn't I want to win this? Ten thousand dollars at stake. That's five or six after taxes. Right in the pocket of the two people I hated most. I assured everyone involved that I would do better and not use any more terrible words. We started again.

"I'm glad they're dead."

They kept going. Next up, "Something you put in a golf bag".

"Pooridge".

My answer to "A place you go on vacation" was "Iraq".

It went on like that. I couldn't swear or make off-color remarks so I stuck with what I thought was the worst answer possible. And when it came time for the scoring, it looked as if I was right. Four answers down, zero points awarded. As I stood there smiling, I heard my mother to the right, nearly sobbing, "Son, why? Why?"

The host did his best to build the tenstion. "OK, this is the big one, final answer, you need 8 points to win. The clue: Something a small child is afraid is hiding in the closet." Big pause and swallowing of pride. "You said... Ray Combs." Big laugh from the audience. "Survey says!"

I was flabbergasted. 48 people agreed with me, number one answer on the board. We won by a landslide. My family came out to celebrate. As they jumped up and down my father "accidentally" shoved me into the podium. Ray Combs had already left, fuming. I heard him yelling at the producers, asking them if this was all some sort of joke. That's what I wanted to know.

The whole rest of the trip, my family didn't speak to me. Things weren't much better when we got home. The ultimate "fuck you" though, my parents bought an above ground pool. They had a big party to christen it. All our relatives, neighbors and family friends were there.

I sat in my room watching, because I'm allergic to water. My dad came up from the party to tell me that before the show they had originally planned to buy me an expensive medical treatment to cure my water allergy, but since I was such a liitle piece of shit, they thought a pool would be better.

Don't know about the future that's anybody's guess

But here's a reason for you to get depressed.

Yes, that's "Blossom".

SOMEONE BUY ME THIS!!!

Is it just me?

Is it just me or do you guys ever get the feeling that those people who watch all those nazi shows on the history channel do so because they secretly wish the germans had won the war? in the interest of full disclosure, I watch a lot of history channel, but I don't just watch the nazi stuff. I also watch stuff about mummies and christopher columbus and penguins and shit like that.

I'm not saying they hate jews or really do love hitler, but I think on some level, they wonder "Hmm, what would it be like if the krauts had won? What if they never invaded Russia?" You look at Germany before the war and it looks pretty good. Everyone's driving mercedes benzes, lots of blonde chicks, statues. That's not so bad right? I really think I'm on to something here. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about ME, but I've noticed there is this undercurrent of, I'll call it, "begrudged awe" in some people. I mean, someone's watching these shows, right? They're on 23 hours a day.

The truth is, of course, much darker. this may seem like an obvious point, but it wouldn't have been so great. millions of people would be dead but history would be rewritten so most of the people born afterwards wouldn't even know it. it would probably be something like russia was during the cold war. but then again, serves those dicks right.

trust me

In a couple of months, everyone will be using this one:

"Fire off a couple of knuckle children"

think about it.

Oh my god

I'm too scared to actually enter this into google images.

ZURICH (Reuters) - A sculpture made with the pickled head of a dead fetus attached to a seagull's body has fueled a furor in Switzerland about the boundaries of art.

If you're braver than me, let me know how horrible it is.

Bully to 'Bully', that's what I say

So there's this new game coming out from the people who made "Grand Theft Auto", it's called "Bully".

I guess you basically just bully people. sounds pretty good to me. It's not even out yet and already people are protesting it. Which is of course what the company wants. I mean, how can anyone fall for this?

"Hey I know, let's go protest this game that way no one will buy it and then the company will go out of business!"

"Great idea, Jim. Let's make sure we go on the news and advertise that nobody should buy the game, that way we won't give them any free advertising."

"Hey Phil, can you pass the paint? I'm hungry."

Everytime someone protests your game/album/book, sales automatically go up 500%. It's been proven. People know this, which leads me to believe they don't actually want to protest the game, they just want to protest something and get on tv and have people pay attention to them. If they really wanted to protest the game they would shut their mouths or better yet start endorsing the game itself. Then the kids would be like "Wait, this 56 year old bald guy likes this game? Fuck that, I'm not buying it, let's go drink paint."

Unless of course the game was super fun like Grand Theft Auto, in which case the kids would go out and buy it anyway. Cuz that game is hella fun.

I think I've figured out the next move, the new hit game that's just around the corner: "Rapist". That's where we're headed, folks. Let's hope people don't start protesting it and make it super popular like Harry Potter and let's also hope it's not a super fun game.

Cuz it's wrong to rape people.

I blame Napoleon Dynamite

Check this out.

Now, I have a theory. This "ninja" wasn't actually trying to steal anything, I think he was just some lonely loser on a "mission". He probably saw that "cut the phone line" thing in a movie. I bet he used a bowline knot to tie the guy up after he learned it in scouts. I have a hunch I'm right about this. I can just picture him sitting at home in his mom's basement, kicking himself for leaving fingerprints.

That's not the ninja way.

It's not fair

Scarlett Johansson crashed her car trying to run away from the paparazzi near Disneyland.

But they left out the best part of the story! They don't mention if she went to Disneyland or if she was just 'near' it or something. That makes me so mad.

If I was a big movie star, I would go to Disneyland. I would make them escort me around the park so nobody would bother me and I could cut in line. Then I would go to the 33 club, which is a secret restaurant only members can go to, but since I'm so rich and famous, they'd let me in anyway. It's the only place in the park you can get alcohol! Then I would have a clam chowder bread bowl. Then I would go to Tom Sawyer's Island and climb up in the fort and rock back and forth crying because I would never be able to regain the childhood I lost as a young actor in Hollywood.

oh man

Boy, would I have liked to have seen this!

If only this "Ali G" fella had a show or something where people could watch these great pranks he does. It seems like a waste to me.

I just realized this

You know that terrible band of emo whiners, "dashboard confessional"? Well I just realized something. The control panel of blogspot is called "the dashboard" so maybe the name of that band is all about this whiny bitch's whiny little bitch blog about how his parents don't love him or whatever? yuck! it's almost enough to send me over to livejournal. just kidding, that place sucks.

How to get revenge on celebrities

I have a great plan for getting revenge on celebrities and if any of you want to use it too, I say go for it because I'm really lazy and will probably never do it.

Anyway, step 1 is to pick your target. Once you've got him (it's gotta be a celebrity of the opposite sex, it doesn't work if you're gay), what you do is go out and find his wife and have sex with his wife.

Then you make sure you take pictures when you're having sex with his wife. Make sure that it is clearly visible that it's you banging her and that it's definitely her. Then go and get these pictures blown up to 8x10 glossies, like a headshot.

Then you wait til the guy you want revenge on wins an award. There's so many of them today he's bound to win something, even if he sucks. When the award show happens, stake out a good place in the stands so you'll be near the action.

Now, this is the important part: get some other 'regular headshots' and put the sex pictures in the middle so nobody suspects anything. Also, bring a sharpie.

Then, at the award show, yell out "hey scott baio, can you sign an autograph?" I only used scott baio cuz I know him personally and I know he won't get mad. So when your celebrity comes over, have him sign one regular headshot and then be like "ooh, can I get one more for my son, he has cancer". You can also say your son has AIDS, it's your call. This way, the guy will have to be like "yeah sure" cuz there's cameras around. Then you pull out the picture of you having sex with his wife for him to sign. Now, like I said, there will be cameras and shit around so HE'LL HAVE TO SIGN IT!!! That's the brilliance of the plan. Oh sure, he might mutter under his breath how he's going to kill you, all the time with a smile, but he'll sign it, believe me.

Now what you want to do is sell that signed picture of you having sex with this guy's wife on eBay or even to one of those shows like Extra or Access Hollywood. Then with all the money you make, you can make your own T-Shirt that says "Scott Baio is a jerk" and then you will get your revenge! It's the perfect plan!

But on second thought, don't do this to Scott Baio. A.) because he's a really nice guy and 2.) he never stays with a girl for more than 3 days and this plan will take much longer to pull off and he'd probably be like "sure, I'll sign it, I don't care about that slut anymore" and then the plan would backfire because a picture of you and scott baio's ex-girlfriend probably wouldn't be worth shit.

So that's my plan, if you try it, definitely let me know how it goes.

I'm stalking a girl from college

When I was a freshman in college, I took this class that was supposed to mimic the process of writing a senior thesis, only the paper we wrote was only 25 pages. Well mine was, I think it was supposed to be at least 30 (thank you arial 13). Anyway, we had an 'advisor' who helped us out who was an older student who had done a thesis the year before. There were two of them, one of them was this guy named Logan who I would get into arguments with (on paper) about whether drugs expanded your mind or simply made you lazy and pretentious (that was my side). The other adviser, my adviser, was this super hot chick named Susan Costabile. Not only was she super hot, she was also super smart and super nice. She was super! She was also the first woman to sit on my bed in my room when we were alone with the door locked. I don't count those 'girls' from my floor, sure, at one point they probably sat on my bed but they were just friends and they were all skanks. Just kidding guys!

So anyway, I was having some trouble with my thesis which was that pain and suffering lead to knowledge or something high-fallutin' like that so Sue agreed to meet in my room to discuss this with me. I made sure every guy from my floor would be around so I could parade her down the hall from the elevator. Boy were those dicks jealous. It was sweet, she sat on my bed and gave me advice about god knows what and then she left. She also told me I was really smart and a good writer. Which of course to a horny 18 year old loser means "I want to be your girlfriend". And she was, every single night. Of course I only "physically" saw her a few more times but I've always got my memories. Oh and the best part was once she left, all the girls on my floor were like "Oh she's such a skank" and "she's a cage dancer at some club, that's nasty".

So now to present day, I've tried looking her up on the internet and I think I found something about her. She does weird alternative movies and stuff, but I can't find her email. I want to write her and rekindle our torrid love affair that never happened. I know the fact that I'm poor and haven't accomplished jack shit in the 8 years since I've graduated college would really impress her. This is what I think our conversation would go like if we had one:

Me: Hello, Susan? This is Eric--

Sue: Filipkowski, Eric Filipkowski. I've been waiting for you to call.

Me: You have?

Sue: Yes, I knew it would only be a matter of time before you tracked me down. What we shared was too important to throw away. Even after all this time, I still have intense feelings for you.

Me: Really? Even after 8 years?

Sue: Yes, why don't I come visit you, we can look for a house together?

Me: Whoa, a house? I don't have that kind of money.

Sue: It's OK, I'm rich. And still beautiful. Eric, honey, I just want to be together.

Me: Really? Cuz I was thinking we'd just get some lunch or something--

Sue: I feel like my life is really just starting now. At this very moment.

Me: Uh huh. What? Oh, OK mom, I'll be right there. Say Sue, it was great talking to you, good luck with everything, I have to go.

*click*

chicken fries, pt. 3

OK, I still haven't had these things and the jury is still out. Crustin says they suck, but Stacy says they're good. They look just like chicken tenders to me but what the hell do I know? Am I a scientist? No. Do I work in a chicken factory? Am I the guy in the Burger King suit? I don't know.

Anyway, looks like Mr. King is in trouble over these annoying ads. Apparently there is a rock n' roll outfit called "the slip knot" or something that is suing Burger King for copyright infringement. I guess these fellas wear masks too. I don't know if they sing about chickens but I would assume that's probably part of their deal as well.

The point is, these ads should stop. It's wrong to wear masks.

Gone away

You know that song, "Gone Away", by the offspring? I want to make a music video for it. There might already be one, I don't know, but I think there should be a new one. I'd like to see one where this guy is all emotional because his friend has died and then you reveal that he's mourning the death of abraham lincoln. and this is like in present times. so this kid is really upset about abraham lincoln dying. I don't know if he just found out or what. maybe he knew but it had kinda faded from his memory and then he saw someone wearing a stovepipe hat and it reminded him and then he got all sad. I mean this kid is really bummed out, crying and tearing at his hair and whatnot. he's not just like "oh darn, the great emancipator has passed on", he's acting like it's his best friend. but maybe that's just me.

Look at me, I'm Toby Keith

Actually, I don't think he wrote that "where were you?" song about 9/11, but who cares. According to this article, 3 hollywood studios are putting out 9/11-themed movies, one to be directed by oliver stone and starring nicolas cage!!!

I remember when I watched the smoking towers on the news, one of my first thoughts was "they'll never show that episode of the simpsons where homer's car gets a boot at the world trade center again". I'm not proud of that, but I'm not really ashamed of it either. And to my knowledge, they haven't ever shown it since, but I could be wrong.

The next day when I went in to work at my job on "popstars", I asked my boss, "so I guess they'll cancel the show huh?" I couldn't fathom anybody pursuing such a trivial and ridiculous venture during such an important and significant time. I guess I tend to get a little dramatic.

The way I figure, it took about 3 months for people to pretty much forget all about 9/11. Not literally, of course, but to get from the place where everyone was walking around looking over their shoulders for terrorists saying things like "Things will never be the same."

Oh sure, every once in a while something would happen to remind us: bomb scares, controversial rappers or talk show hosts, the war in afghanistan. But things are pretty much back to normal. I think these 9/11 movies are proof. The article says it's our way of dealing. It seems to me like it's our way of fictionalizing things. Which is, of course, a way of dealing. Or not dealing. I think if you look around at the world, it's clearly the latter.

On a side note, one of the movies is about flight 93, the one that crashed in pennsylvania after the passengers and crew stormed the cockpit. This is not the oliver stone/nic cage one. Oddly enough, they say it's gonna be at least semi-improvised, as if to say there's no writer who would want to presume he's deep enough to guess what was said that day. Like nobody would want to guess what Jesus was thinking up on the cross. Well somebody's eventually gotta say it, right?

Remember how when it happened, everyone said, "It looked like something out of a movie?" Well, now I'm just wondering, what are they going to say about the movie?

the time I won a marathon

I know what you're thinking, "bullshit!", right? But it's true. You see, when they wrote the rule books for the Newington Marathon in Newington, CT, they just assumed no one would ever do the marathon on a moped.

But they were wrong!

I broke all existing records and finished in just under 39 minutes. Boy were they pissed when I drove through that finish line, beeping my ass off the whole way! They were even madder when I produced the rule book and dared them to point out how I wasn't the official winner. Thanks to me, that rule book is a lot thicker. Well, it would be if those sour grape losers hadn't cancelled the marathon forever. But I've still got the trophy.

So that's the true story of the time I won a marathon.

Funniest story ever

I'm not even going to comment on this one.

RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) -- A rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line.

"This is total, total chaos," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling blacktop with one foot bare.

More than 1,000 people turned out at the Richmond International Raceway in hopes of getting their hands on one of the 4-year-old Apple iBooks, which retail for between $999 and $1,299. The Henrico County school system was selling 1,000 of the computers to county residents.

Officials opened the gates at 7 a.m., but some already had been waiting for hours in line. When the gates opened, it became a terrifying mob scene.

People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. A little girl's stroller was crushed in the stampede. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.

Police would not immediately comment on the number of or extent of injuries, though witnesses said they mostly had scrapes and bruises.

"It's rather strange that we would have such a tremendous response for the purchase of a laptop computer -- and laptop computers that probably have less-than- desirable attributes," said Paul Proto, director of general services for Henrico County. "But I think that people tend to get caught up in the excitement of the event -- it almost has an entertainment value."

Blandine Alexander, 33, said one woman standing in front of her was so desperate to retain her place in line that she urinated on herself.

"I've never been in something like that before, and I never again will," said Alexander, who brought her 14-year-old twin boys to the complex at 4:30 a.m. to wait in line. "No matter what the kids want, I already told them I'm not doing that again."

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,"' the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

"They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just," he said.

Blow up your baby

Everyone's up in arms over this. Apparently kids under the age of 2 are being prevented from boarding airplanes because their names match those of people on the no-fly list. They interviewed two mothers and they basically said the same thing:

"I completely understand the war on terrorism, and I completely understand people wanting to be safe when they fly," Sanden said. "But focusing the target a little bit is probably a better use of resources."

Then this other broad said this:

"I understand that security is important," Zapolsky said. "But if they're just guessing, and we have to give up our passport to prove that our 11-month-old is not a terrorist, it's a waste of their time."

Everybody "understands". Well that's a relief. Well understand this: the war on terrorism isn't limited to adult islamic men. Women can be suicide bombers too. And the elderly. And the handicapped. A wheelchair is a great place to hide a bomb (trust me, I know.) Now is not the time to get soft people! Babies are terrible, vicious creatures with highly radicalized political views. They must be stopped!

I know what you're thinking: don't be ridiculous, babies are cute and cuddly, they couldn't harm a fly. So to all these people who say that it's crazy to assume that a baby could be a danger, I give you this:

I should have yelled "two!"

Caddyshack is on, I've probably seen that movie 20-30 times. It's one of those I can watch over and over. The thing is, I'm not one of these people who loves bill murray in it. I know I'm gonna get in trouble for this, but it's true. I fucking love bill murray and I think he's funny in this movie, but I honestly think the funniest parts belong to rodney dangerfield. when he walks around spitting off one-liners it cracks me up every time. maybe I'm not the comedy purist I'm supposed to be, I know I should be quoting the cinderella story line instead, but I guess I'm just a sucker for someone getting hit in the nuts with a golf ball.

My film festival debut

if you go here and scroll down to the first movie in the "H" section, "Hallway", you can read about the short film I'm in that's debuting at the Rhode Island International Film Festival. It's directed by my friend Justin Smith, 1/2 of Crustin. We had a lot of fun and there are also memorable parts played by Mel Cowan and Bill Hader of the Animals From the Future, as well as Chris Evans, the other 1/2 of Crustin. It's pretty funny except for my horrible acting and it's a really interesting concept that I think came together pretty well. So if you're in Providence this weekend, go see it. C'mon, don't be a jerk.

For those who were there

Witness a crime about to be committed.

Older people are stupid too

SEOUL (Reuters) - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said Tuesday.

Don't worry, it says the guy did get up to go to the bathroom on occasion. So there's that. I can play video games for like 2 hours before I get sick of them. I like playing video games, the problem is, I suck. I'm really bad at everything except super mario bros. And it's not like I'm great at that, either. I just enjoy it cuz it's aimed at a much lower skill level.

I'd have to say this is my favorite part of the article:

Lee had recently quit his job to spend more time playing games, the daily JoongAng Ilbo reported after interviewing former work colleagues and staff at the Internet cafe.

Now I'll tell you why that's really dumb. He could have gotten a job playing video games. This would have been overtime. What a jerk. I'm not kidding, my roommate John has a job where he plays video games all day, testing them for errors and rating them and stuff. If you're going to die in a tragi-comic way, at least get some compensation for your troubles, that's my motto.

Kids are stupid

I guess the latest 'rage' amongst those who are 'fresh' and 'down' is called "the choking game". In this 'game' kids choke each other, or themselves til they pass out. The lack of oxygen creates what the kids describe as a 'rush' or a 'high' and which doctors describe as 'brain damage'.

What ever happened to just putting a plastic bag over your head and passing out that way? No marks or bruises. No accomplices to rat you out. No having to learn any tricky knots.

Jesus Christ, what is this fucking world coming to?

The little prince movie?

I personally don't give a rat's ass but I know some people out there who might take an interest in this.

LOS ANGELES (Variety) - Christopher Columbus, director of "Home Alone" and the first two Harry Potter movies, has been announced to produce and direct a big screen adaptaion of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's beloved children's fable, "The Little Prince". The film will be a live-action "reimagining" of the story, slated for a late 2006 holiday release.

Speaking from his offices in Westwood, CA, Columbus had this to say: "I am delighted to have been chosen for this project. My daughter, Callie, introduced me to "The Little Prince" just a few years ago but since then I have carried this story in my heart with me, wherever I go."

The choice of Columbus is guaranteed to garner controversy. His adaptations of the first two Harry Potter movies were deemed too "wooden" and considered by many to be too "slavish to the text". Columbus has promised that this will not be a literal re-telling of the original, like earlier versions, including Stanley Donen's Oscar-nominated 1974 film, but rather a bold "reimagining" of the author's original concepts.

"I am excited about the possibilities afforded by modern CGI effects," said the director, "at this time, we're able to take the Little Prince on adventures the author could never have dreamed of!" It is believed that Columbus won the coveted position over such rivals as Tim Burton and Terry Gilliam by showing executives a 3 minute animated sequence in which the Little Prince hurtles from planet to planet wearing what has been described as a "magical space suit".

Though casting has not been finalized, early contenders include Whoopi Goldberg as a seductive serpent-like character not in the original book, haley Joel Osment as the Little Prince and Martin Short as "the king".

An executive at Warner Bros. studios stated that production is slated to begin in October of this year.

The Revenge

The first time my family went to Los Angeles, it was to appear on the gameshow "Family Feud". This was during the "Ray Combs" era. Not the old guy who kissed everybody and not the guy from Home Improvement. This guy was in the middle. I think he killed himself.
Anyway, I came to LA with a plan and I didn't go 3000 miles to see it fail.
I was 15 and still too young to enjoy the city's famous casinos so I decided to forego sight-seeing with my parents and instead chose to focus on my surveys and back episode tapes.
Around 2pm on the third day, we were whisked to the studio in a mini-van. We spent a few minutes in hair and makeup and then it was showtime! We quickly rode out to a big lead, thanks in no small part to my own mastery of the game. My strategy, as discussed with my family was to leave the guessing to the other team whenever possible. That way, after the morons got their three strikes, I could give my mom, our team captain, the correct answer. It worked extremely well until my sister Karen lost the showdown and the other team, copying my strategy, no doubt, chose us to play. It got a little hairy for a while, we got up to two strikes but luckily my older brother Jake guessed that out of 100 women surveyed, six would say "their husband" was the one thing they would take on a desert isle.
Our chance in the finals now clinched, my mom and I were picked to play the final round. She decided to go first and I went backstage to wait. They put some headphones over my head, which actually played the Paramount Studios Daily Jobline, which I thought was weird. After a few minutes, they called me back on stage with the good news: my mother had gotten 192 points! It was unheard of, no one had ever done that well. What can I say? My mom knows her stuff.
Now it was my turn. I stepped up to the podium, the host put his hand on my back and went into the spiel. I had 25 seconds. First I had to come up with "The Top Thing People Say to Loved One at a Funeral." I took a deep breath and prepared to give my first answer.
"Shit fucker."
A gasp from the audience, then silence. A producer came out and whispered in Mr. Combs ear. I noticed the clock had been stopped. I knew I couldn't look over at my family or I'd start laughing. Those pricks.
"Mr. Filipkowski," the weasely producer was saying to me, "you can't say that kind of language on television!"
"Oh no?" I feigned surprise, "wait, what did I say?"
"You said 'shit fucker', Mr. Filipkowski."
"I did? It must be nerves. I've never been on a big-time TV show, mister."
"Well just don't do it again, got it?"
The sketpical producer left. Ray Combs gave me a pat on the back and told me to just relax. He repeated the question, the clock had been reset and I took another deep breath.
"Abortion sandwich."
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Mr. Combs had lost his cool. Again, the producer came out, more hushed discussion. I overheard him say it wasn't a swear-word, it was just in poor taste. Ray Combs turned to me, "Don't you want to win this kid? Take your head out of your ass!"
Yes, indeed. Didn't I want to win this? Ten thousand dollars at stake. That's five or six after taxes. Right in the pocket of the two people I hated most. I assured everyone involved that I would do better and not use any more terrible words. We started again.
"I'm glad they're dead."
They kept going. Next up, "Something you put in a golf bag".
"Pooridge".
My answer to "A place you go on vacation" was "Iraq".
It went on like that. I couldn't swear or make off-color remarks so I stuck with what I thought was the worst answer possible. And when it came time for the scoring, it looked as if I was right. Four answers down, zero points awarded. As I stood there smiling, I heard my mother to the right, nearly sobbing, "Son, why? Why?"
The host did his best to build the tenstion. "OK, this is the big one, final answer, you need 8 points to win. The clue: Something a small child is afraid is hiding in the closet." Big pause and swallowing of pride. "You said... Ray Combs." Big laugh from the audience. "Survey says!"
I was flabbergasted. 48 people agreed with me, number one answer on the board. We won by a landslide. My family came out to celebrate. As they jumped up and down my father "accidentally" shoved me into the podium. Ray Combs had already left, fuming. I heard him yelling at the producers, asking them if this was all some sort of joke. That's what I wanted to know.
The whole rest of the trip, my family didn't speak to me. Things weren't much better when we got home. The ultimate "fuck you" though, my parents bought an above ground pool. They had a big party to christen it. All our relatives, neighbors and family friends were there.
I sat in my room watching, because I'm allergic to water. My dad came up from the party to tell me that before the show they had originally planned to buy me an expensive medical treatment to cure my water allergy, but since I was such a liitle piece of shit, they thought a pool would be better.

What do you think?

So what do you think of my new layout? I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It seems nicer. Make sure to be a sport and click on some of these ads so I can get some money. I've had heart surgery and I have big bills to pay. You don't hate me, do you? You don't have to buy anything, just click. And let me know what you think of the new layout. the link to email me is right here so you're all out of excuses. Give me some feedback you jerks! Ok, I'm sorry, you're not jerks.

dammit, someone help me

I'm gonna have to re-do the template for my webpage into something totally different. I'm also thinking of changing the name of the page to hollywoodphony.com and just basically trashing my old webpage. anyone have any thoughts? can anyone help me with a good layout for my blog? I'll be your best friend or write you a nice story where you are the hero and everybody loves you and you find some gold and you have a really cool car. or I will draw you a picture. this is what I have to offer.

Oh no, Fox bought myspace (repost)

I wrote this on myspace, if you're on myspace but missed it, you might enjoy it. if not, go to hell.

Oh no, Fox bought myspace
Everybody panic. Better yet, send out a hundred bulletins that everybody should go somewhere else like YOU did with friendster. Because I know you were one of them.
You see those ads everywhere? This thing costs money. So somebody out there thinks it can make money. So they're going to try and do it. It's not charity.
You wanna sit here and spill your guts to 'the world' about what a crazy drunken bisexual casual drug addict you are. Don't get me wrong, that's fine with me. But don't cry because you really don't want 'the whole world' knowing. Oh sure, as long as it's other tattooed hipsters, everything's cool, but Fox owns Fox News, the cable newstation your parents watch. And what if they decide to do a news story about out-of-control twenty-somethings? Mommy and daddy might find out about the threeway you had with those black guys in Vegas and take away your $2300/month apartment.
Cuz c'mon, that's what this is all really about.

two things

first of all, what's the deal with those burger king chicken fries commericals? are those guys chickens or just wearing masks or what?
and second, what happened to that guy on the simpsons who had one arm? remember him?

I hate these kids

"Real Genius"? More like "Stupid Jerk Movie"

You know at the end of "Real Genius" when the plane blows up the giant jiffy pop thing and the popcorn blows up the house? Well forget the fact that the laser beam moves in a straight line and then stops even though the plane is going like a thousand miles an hour. I know what you're thinking, "but what about the tracking system?" You're just being naive. All that could do was direct the beam at a single point, it would still be moving or "pivoting". The ONLY way it could happen like that would be if the plane was flying straight at the house which it wasn't according to the "live video feed from the plane" (which also looked fake) and even then it would only be for like a second. No, that's not my point. My point is if they really did that, that guy Kent would totally be dead. In the movie he's all jumping around and having a good time but in real life that popcorn would be fucking hot. It would burn the shit out of him. And there would be unpopped kernels too that would be flying everywhere. His clothes would probably catch on fire. Plus, even if he didn't burn to death, he would probably choke. He wouldn't be able to "swim" out of there like he did. When I was a kid, my friend's mom tried to scare us by saying a kid had died by trying to hide in a bean bag chair. All the little styrofoam things got in his mouth and his nose and he suffocated. So that's what would happen to Kent. He wouldn't be able to breathe and if he came out of the house at all, he would be a corpse. So that movie is unrealistic.
Plus that kid Mitch looks like Blossom.

You know what smells bad? Poop.

That's a joke I told one of the two times I did standup. It was great. The next time I do standup, I'm gonna go "high concept" and weave stories through a tapestry of words. The story will be based around a young man named Tucker McGrath who has to cope with the legacy of abuse he experienced growing up in destructive foster households. Tucker finds an outlet for his pain through the art of ventriloquism, eventually reaching rock star levels of popularity with his act. He moves to Gumdrop City where he invents rainbows but it all comes crashing down when his cowboy hat eats his dog. Seemingly unable to fall any farther, Tucker finds the light inside of all of us and realizes that material goods aren't the answer to life's problems. Poor but happy, Tucker faces his demons, punches a girl scout in the throat and wins back his high school sweatheart.

worst commercial ever

There's this one for midol or tampons or something, I wasn't paying attention. Anyway, it's the "after" scene and these four women are walking down the street and one says:

"I'd kill for a brownie!"

*laughter*

then her friend(s) chime in:

"Oh yeah, she's menstrual!"

*more laughter*

now I don't want to be "that guy" but what ever happened to riding horses and feeling "not so fresh"? bring back the euphemisms, that's what I say.

Jacko Cashes In On Controversy

BAH'RAIN (AFP) - Fallen pop star, Michael Jackson, is in the studio rushing out a quickie parody album of his own songs. The album, tentatively titled "So what? I did it!" promises to be a flashpoint for controversy with song titles like "Billie Jean - I Molest Kids" and "The Girl is Mine (And By Girl, I Mean the Ten Year Old Boy I Just Molested)".

Speaking from his modest, three-bedroom, split-level ranch in a Bah'rain suburb, Jackson was quite open about his recent financial troubles, as well as the accusations that have followed him for the past twenty years. "Hey, the album title says it all, I did it. Who cares? This place has no extradition treaty with the US, so I don't give a(n) [expletive] who knows."

It is believed that Jackson is rushing this album out to stores in order to generate capital to help pay off his considerable debt, estimated by some to be in excess of $200 million. "Jacko needs dough," said the singer, "hey, people have been ripping me off with parody songs for years: I'm talking to you, Weird Al. So why not get a piece of that for me?"

Whether consumers will be able to stomach the often graphic honesty of the new album remains to be seen. Though he has steadfastly denied such accusations in the past, Jackson goes into painfully detailed specifics about his pederastic exploits on the record. A sample of which could not even be published in a mainstream media outlet. Needless to say, such songs as "Ben, I'm Going to Make Love to Your Children" are guaranteed to be deemed inappropriate for radio.

Jackson seems unfazed by this prospect. "Screw it, what do I care? I just wanna bang some kids. Give me some money, I need to feed my llama."

It would seem Jackson is hoping the new album will be more successful than his recently released, "The Essential Michael Jackson", which sold only 8000 copies in its first week of release.

Chad Robuckle: imaginary "friend"

I call Chad Robuckle my imaginary friend, not because he's my friend but because of a lack of nomenclature. "Imaginary enemy" sounds too Stalin-esque and seems to imply the internal conflicts of a madman. But Chad Robuckle is my enemy. And he's imaginary. He lives only in my imagination. And he's a rapist.

Chad would tell you he's not in fact a rapist but rather someone once accused of rape but never convicted. Oh sure, Chad. You're innocent. You and OJ. Everyone knows that you terrorized that girl until she retracted her statement. You were so innocent she moved to Canada and changed her name. You're a real great guy.

So why would I chose to imagine such a terrible person? Well nobody really chooses their imaginary friends anyway. It's a manifestation of your secret wants and desires. It is your actualized self come to "life". Little children play with super-heroes, fanciful princesses who ride on unicorns and fully articulate teddy bears, complete with English accent.

So this begs the question: do I secretly want to be a rapist? Of course not. No more than a child actually desires to be a British teddy bear. Arm chair psychiatry wants to make a direct connection from desire to action to being. This is false. I hate Chad Robuckle with every fiber of my being. Chad Robuckle is a scoundrel. I would literally end my own life before I became Chad Robuckle.

But you gotta respect his style. Chad is a go-getter. He sees something he wants and he takes it. The rape incident is a twisted manifestation of this philosophy. There are less horrific examples of the Chad Robuckle way of life:

One time Chad walked into a Porsche dealership, dressed in an Armani suit, slaps a fake ID down onto the counter and says "The 911. The red one." No questions asked, they hand him the keys. Twenty minutes in, he crashes it into an elementary school. Six kids and a hamster are dead. He walks, scot free.

This other time, Chad is at the movies and these kids are sitting behind him. You know these punks: laughing, kicking the seat, popcorn everywhere. They pull out the laser pointer and Chad loses it. He turns around and starts yelling but they're not gonna back down. Well at this point in the evening, Chad had probably had seven or eight beers, three in the movie theater alone, so he just stands on the seat, pulls down his pants and takes a whiz all over these kids. Then he pulls up his pants, turns around and watches the rest of the movie. "Oh, and another thing," he yells over his shoulder, "if one drop of that touches my shoes, you're dead." The kids are crying at this point. "Mister, how do we soak up the pee?" Sobbing. Again, casually, over his shoulder, "How the shit should I know? Get some napkins, lick it up, use your tampons."

So Chad isn't all bad. There are certain admirable qualities he posseses, as I believe I've proven above. Not convinced? Well how about the time Chad saved those people from that house fire? Yeah, that's right. House fire. You're not so high and mighty anymore are you? How many lives have you saved? You disgust me. Now listen up, Mr. Judgmental: Chad pulled a family of migrant workers, all seven of them, from their burning two-bedroom house in the valley. I guess you missed it even thought it was a headline on the LA Times. Oh that's right, you get your news on TV. Fox news, probably.

Well Mister Smarty Pants, what the papers didn't tell you was that Chad started that fire out of his hatred for immigrants but later realized he had left forensic evidence at the scene that could incriminate him. So Chad selflessly went back to get the gas can in the living room but was spotted by the family's youngest. Chad could have killed that kid. You know how easy it is to snap a four year old's neck? A malnourished four year old at that. But he didn't! He saved that kid and his three brothers and sisters and his parents. So you want to sit here in judgment and indict me and Chad Robuckle as one person? Well fuck you! Fuck you all! Get the hell away from me, I don't need any of you!

First Abraham Lincoln, then Roosevelt, now this

(CNN) -- Saudi Arabia's King Fahd -- whose reign was marked by unprecedented prosperity, but whose close ties with the United States stirred the passions of Islamic militants -- has died, Saudi Arabia's information minister announced Monday.