Friday, February 25, 2005

This Friday feels like Monday

Last night my class was rehearsing for our upcoming improv shows and we did an exercise where we had to really quickly say one thing that we were proud of ourselves for. I said my sketch group, but really, when I thought about it, there's really nothing about myself, in specific, that I'm proud of.
We had just gotten our evaluations in class and I think I took mine pretty hard because it was one of those things that was true about my improvising and it was also true about me in general. The note I got, which I had heard before, was that I make too many jokes in scenes. It's not that I go for the joke, it's that I'd rather joke about stuff than deal with it in a real way.
I think that I'm a deep person who runs away from ever being deep with anybody. Even this stupid blog, which maybe five people read, is a chore for me to be really, truly honest in. I kept a private journal and have actually gone back and edited stuff out that I later felt was too melodramatic or whatever.
I don't think many people I know even realize how fucked up I am. I think they would probably be surprised if they read this log. Not by the stuff where I make fun of stupid people and their problems, but the whiny, self-pitying me.
To be honest, I really believe that unless I'm making people laugh, I'm not that interesting. I tend to drone on and over-think things. My thoughts are too scatter-shot and unfocused, it leads me to incorrect conclusions about things.
The real me is angry and bitter and only looks on the dark side of things. Nobody wants to be friends with that guy.
I think I probably ruined my relationship with my ex-girlfriend because I'm actually incapable of loving someone in an intimate, adult way. I'm fine with having sex with someone and being best friends and hanging out and having a great time, but I guess that's not enough. I'm not even sure what that 'something more' is. I can guess from seeing it in movies and stuff, but that guess is probably way off.
See, I think this blog is proving my point. It's long-winded, my thoughts are poorly-arranged and it's whiny and full of self-pity. I'd rather be someone else than 'that guy', even if it's not really me. Which brings me back to my improv class. If people like me when I'm making them laugh, is it such a crime that I'm not living up to some standard of what "good improvisation" really is?
This leads me to believe that on a superficial level, I understand my problems and feel the need to change them, but on a deeper level, I think that I enjoy (or at least prefer) having all these emotional problems. I'm not sure if it's for the drama or whatever, but I think I'm on to something here. If I really wanted to change, I would have. I don't want to be overly dramatic, like this girl, but I do enjoy the ups and the downs and the wild mood swings that I encounter in my life. Like the old lady in Parenthood who talks about the roller coaster versus the merry-go-round. See? I'm doing it again, I'm justifying my own existence.
This is how I am. I don't want to change it, I want to change other people and their reaction to it and make them ok with it. Which is total bullshit. I see other people pull that shit all the time and it drives me crazy but I suspect that's what's going on here.
I am going to resist the urge to end this with a joke.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I blame that damn Jamie Lee Curtis

Lindsay Lohan, star of the world's sexiest movie about underage twins seperated at birth one of whom has a British accent, The Parent Trap, must be pleased to see her father is in the news again.

As the divorce battle between the Freaky Friday star's parents gains momentum, allegations have surfaced that her father, Michael Lohan, terrorized his family and threatened to kill them.

I know what you're thinking, awesome, right? It gets better!

According to the documents, Michael Lohan, who has faced a number of well publicized run-ins with the law, told the family's security guard that he had devised a plan to do away with his wife and children.

"O.J. Simpson has nothing on me," Lindsay's paternal figure allegedly told the guard last year. "I know exactly how I'm going to kill [them]. I know when I'm going to do it and I'm going to enjoy it."

If his wife's allegations are to be believed, referencing Simpson was something of a recurring theme for Michael Lohan.

According to the court documents, Michael Lohan told two family friends in fall 2003 that if he ever caught "Dina with another man, O.J. Simpson will have nothing on me."

O.J. references! I love it! I only wish he had used O.J. as a verb, as in "I'm gonna O.J. you!"

Last May, per Dina Lohan's petition, Michael Lohan tried to toss her down a flight of stairs and slammed her arm in a door before forcing her into the basement where he allegedly sodomized her against her will. No police report was ever filed on the incident.

In July, Dina Lohan alleges that Michael Lohan threw himself in front of her car in the family's driveway and screamed to the couple's two youngest children, "If Mommy leaves Daddy, I'm going to hang myself in the garage!"

Oh Michael Lohan, you really will do anything for a laugh, huh?

Last spring, he allegedly followed the family to a press junket in Los Angeles where he created a scene by chasing one of his children from the room and scaring another child and Lindsay's publicist into taking shelter in a closet.

Wow, what a hoot. This guy gets my vote for life of the party AND father of the year.

But seriously, there's nothing funny about vapor lock.

Check out my new antique broach!

LONDON (Reuters) - British rock star Ozzy Osbourne's son Jack had jewelry worth $382,000 stolen from a suitcase during a flight from Los Angeles to London, the Sun newspaper reported on Thursday.

What? $382,000??? Jewelry?

You know, I started to wonder about this Osbourne kid when I saw him laying in bed with his mom, under the covers, on that show of theirs.

But seriously, travelling with almost 400 grand in jewelry? Really? All I have, in the way of 'jewelry', is a Movado watch my parents gave me when I graduated college. It's basically too nice to wear with anything I own so it's been sitting in a box for the last 8 years. My mom actually wants it back, you know, since I'm not using it or anything.

$382,000? Wow. Meanwhile, my car still has a huge dent in the bumper, I live with 3 other people in a 2 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment and my bank account just dipped below a hundred dollars.

Seriously, people. I need some money. Give it to me because I don't want to work for it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

The Machine Room of Niceness

This is an online comic strip done by my two friends, Chris and Justin. If you go and check it out, leave a comment that Chris should make a cartoon version of me.
The Machine Room of Niceness

Monday, February 21, 2005

Schadenfreude at its finest.

this is my friend, grae. she thinks she's so cool, but I've got news for her: she is! GODDAMIT! I wish I was smarter!
Schadenfreude at its finest.

The Ferocious Reader

The Ferocious Reader

This is my friend Anna-Lisa's blog. She lives in Scotland but she's actually from Norway. She knows karate and likes to punch kids.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Hooray, we're rich!

"Hey Bill, let's have a contest to see who can get to the deepest level of hell first!"

"Ok Joe! Well, since there seem to be no angels around to rape, why don't we try and trick some 9/11 widows out of their money?"

"I don't know Bill, what about something more current?"

"Wait, I've got it!"

"WASHINGTON (AP) -- Federal authorities are investigating two e-mail scams, including one targeting families of troops killed in Iraq, that claim to be connected to the Homeland Security Department."

I'm sorry, but this almost sounds made up. Not that I'm questioning the authenticity of this report, but rather the idea that anybody would do something like this for purely monetary gains. First of all, there's gotta be easier ways of making dough. And it's not like people in the military are rolling in extra cash. I really think this was a concerted effort to just try and be as stomach-churningly repulsive as possible. So really, these guys are just a bunch of posers.

I mean, seriously, say this scheme was really 'successful' and you wound up with what? A hundred grand? Can that really buy you enough heroin to drown out your last shred of humanity? I don't know, maybe it can, but couldn't you do the same thing with a plastic bag over your head? That would save everyone a whole bunch of trouble.

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm...

Sad news:

"MARINA DEL REY, California (AP) -- Samuel W. Alderson, the inventor of crash test dummies that are used to make cars, parachutes and other devices safer, has died. He was 90."

I guess compared to saving thousands (millions?) of lives, a prolific music career doesn't really stack up, but they could have at least mentioned it.

Well it's time to right some wrongs.

Samuel W. Alderson. Inventor. Musician. Canadian. I salute you.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The human head weighs eight pounds

When Jerry Maguire came out, I used to go up to people and say that. Specifically women. When I would be drunk. Some would get it and laugh, usually in a patronizing way, but some were unfamiliar with the movie and would freak out. Like I'm sitting at home weighing heads or something? Why would I weigh a head when I could scoop out the yummy insides and have a delicious treat instead? That's just stupid.
Speaking of that movie, you know the part where he's all like "you make me want to be a better person?" Yeah, I hate that part too. I think it would be better if he said, "You make me want to to punch you in the face and put you in the trunk of my car and then crash my car into a tractor trailer and set it on fire and then put out the fire with my urine and then take the ashes and mix them into some flour and make biscuits and eat the biscuits and then poop out the biscuits and then flush the poop down the toilet and then be done with the whole thing."
Ladies, I am currently taking applications to date me. Interested?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Those wacky Syrians!

So I'm sure you've heard about this:

U.S. pressure is mounting on Syria in the wake of the deadly bomb blast in Lebanon that killed former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri.

When I was in college, my freshman year roommate was Lebanese and he introduced me to the fact that Lebanon and Syria have not been the friendliest of neighbors. How did he explain the intricacies of this tragic conflict? By the telling of corny stolen jokes at the expense of the Syrian people, of course. What he would do is take your basic, time-tested Pollack joke and subsitute Syrian for Pollack. The result? Middle-eastern hilarity. The screen door on the submarine? A Syrian invention. Who forgot the recipe for ice cubes? The Syrians. Who's always drunk and getting in fights? The Irish.

The point is, we're all the same. No matter where you go, there's always one group that thinks a different group is stupid. If we had been involved in a lengthy war with Canada and they were funding terrorist attacks on our soil, do you think we would have the mutual respect and cooperation that we do now? Even a greasy Italian can figure it out.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I'm back!

I'm back. I've actually been back for a few days but haven't written due to exhaustion and lazinesss.
New York was a blast. We got in monday night, went out to dinner and then tried in vain to get drunk but everyone was too tired so we all went to bed. The next morning it was off to the UCB theater for a tech rehearsal. Everyone there was really nice (and unlike some places: helpful) and seemed excited that we were doing the show. Then we were off for a few hours, my friend katie ambrose took some pictures of us in places like radio city music hall, rockefeller center and times square.
When we came back to the theater, there was a class that was finishing up and one of the girls in the class walked by and said "That's Eric Filipkowski!" My penis began mentally preparing for the long night ahead. We did another tech and this time katie took some pictures of us pretending the show was going on. The people started to arrive and we chilled out backstage. Amy Poehler came and wished us well, she was super fucking nice. That was awesome. Then we did the show.
I had heard that new york audiences are different, that they can be a little jaded. Howard Kremer was opening up for us and he did the exact same routine he had done in LA. In LA it fucking killed but during his set in new york he had to stop and ask the audience if they were awake. We all started shitting our pants and my penis went back into its 29 year hibernation. Luckily, howard is a pro and eventually won the audience over. So we knew it could be done but we knew it would be hard.
We came out and did our show and all in all, things went really well. It definitely wasn't the response we were used to but people genuinely seemed to dig it. By the end of the show, most everyone was along for the ride and we took our bow. After the show we hung out and stressed a little about how it went, but everyone seemed to have positive things to say. I got to see my friends slappy and john marhsall. I hadn't seen slappy in probably six years, so that was good. I also met my cousin (twice removed?), Ian. He seemed like a good guy, that was nice of him to come out and see it.
After that, we went to see howard kremer do a hilarious set at a club. I'm not sure where it is, but it was near CBGB. Then we all got something to eat and started drinking. We went to a place called McSorley's where this old irish guy yells at you if you don't drink enough. By all counts, we had something like 100 beers. Then we went to this other place that had free hotdogs. Then we got in a snowball/garbage fight and took off our shirts in time square for some more pictures. Then I drank half a gallon of water and fell asleep. In the morning we took cabs to the airport and flew home. I didn't get my emergency exit row seat, but I had a whole row to myself so I managed to survive.
It was a pretty awesome experience but now it's back to real life and crawling around on the ground fixing peoples' computers. We should have the pictures up, as well as a brand new (and not lame) animals from the future website.

Monday, February 07, 2005

We're off to New York!

The Animals From the Future and I are leaving for New York City today to do a show at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. Wish us luck and if you're in the city, definitely come check us out. Thanks to everyone who made this possible, we hope we won't let you down.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Your reign of terror is over!

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- John Vernon, a stage-trained character actor who played cunning villains in film and TV and made his comedy mark as Dean Wormer in "National Lampoon's Animal House," has died. He was 72.

Good riddance, I say. That might seem harsh, but let's not forget all the trouble this jerk caused for Delta House. Just because he's dead we're supposed to wipe our minds of all the negative things he's done? Hitler's dead too, should we mourn him?

Let's look at the facts: Bluto and Otter and Boon just wanted to have a good time. Have a few drinks, dress up in togas, dance to some music. Harmless fun. Yet Dean Wormer couldn't stand to see people enjoying themselves. He did everything in his power to get these guys thrown out of school - and eventually he succeeded.

If the real mark of a man is the company he keeps, what does that say about Dean Wormer? Greg Marmalard? Douglas Neidermeyer? Please. Even the Dean could see these two were a couple of sneaky little shits. And Mayor Carmine De Pasto? Corrupt as they come.

Look, it's clear this guy was no saint and maybe it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but I believe that people should be held accountable for their actions. Personal responsibility is what makes this country great. So you can say whatever you want about me, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

look at this

my friend katie ambrose made this little movie for me with some pictures she shot a while ago.

Barbie pleads for safe return of loved one

Did you see this crap? Apparently, an Islamist web site claimed that a US soldier had been taken hostage and posted a picture on the internet to prove it. Not so unusual, right? Except that the Army claims no such soldier exists and that the picture appears to be nothing more than an action figure called "Special Ops Cody", posed with a plastic gun pointed at its head. This got me thinking, if you've ever seen "plushie" websites, you'll probably agree that it's not too hard to imagine this sort of picture being considered erotic to some fringe members of society. Radical Islamist Fundamentalists helping sickos jerk off, you've gotta like that.
Not only is this pathetic and hilarious, it sends a message to all my enemies that evil people don't always need to be taken seriously. What do I mean? Well let me go off on a tangent and say that I'm really sick of people trying to tell me that horrible things shouldn't be joked about. Specifically people who say you can't make jokes about Hitler or Nazis. Yes, in some way, this lessens the impact of the horrible things they did, etc., etc. But look, I'm not Prince Harry here, I don't say things just to be a dick or because I'm rich and my grandmother runs England and whatnot. I think that if you study the psyche of those who are 'evil', you will see that one key thing they strive for is to be taken seriously. The Nazis, in particular, thought of themselves as possessing a heroic strength of will to be able to perpetrate something like the holocaust while remaining decent men. Obviously they weren't decent men, at all, but my point is that you are validating men of evil by taking them so seriously. They want their place in history. If you portray them as bumbling morons, you deny them that, for both good and bad. The Nazis killed six million Jews. But their reasons for doing this were based on prejudice, ignorance and scientific misconceptions. That is stupid. You can't deny that side of things. I'm sorry, you can't.
So yes, many people have been killed by these radical Islamic fundamentalists. There has been much media coverage of the brutal, televised murders at the hands of these people. But taking a picture of a doll and expecting to pass it off as a real person? That's just stupid. And funny. So I'm going to laugh at it.

I hear Turkish Prisons get a bad rap too

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Deprived of their flat-screen TVs, mobile phones, pizza deliveries and long visits from lovers, inmates at Mexico's top security prison complained on Monday they are being treated "like dogs."

God, I am so sick of people just assuming that dogs don't like pizza. That said, I guess I had the wrong idea of what went on in most Mexican prisons. I always heard they were places to avoid, like Neverland Ranch, the Gaza Strip or the dentist.

On Monday, they paid for a full-page advertisement in Mexico's top daily Reforma and called on President Vicente Fox (news - web sites) to respect their human rights.

A full page advertisement? Even with the currency exchange, that's still a lot of dough. No wonder Mexico's license plate production industry is experiencing such stagnant growth!

They also want the right to buy the soft drinks of their choice from the jail's small store.

Well, that's fair. Nobody likes R.C. Cola.

Last chance to vote

Hey, if you've got a second, check out this site and vote for my friend Lili Von Schtupp. She's trying to realize her childhood dream of dancing naked for strangers in Las Vegas. Even if you like someone better, still vote for her cuz all the other people support a woman's right to safe and legal abortions. Unless you're for that kind of thing, in which case, everyone else wants to deny women the right to safe and legal abortions. My point is, vote for Lili, she thinks the same thing you do, politically. Thanks for protecting unborn children/a woman's right to choose.
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