ok, I'm not dead

so in case you haven't heard, I went in for some surgery, about 2 weeks ago. I'm ok, but things were rough for a while. I will be 'updating' that statment very soon, but it's late and I'm tired.
me sleep now.
on the mend.
thanks for all your thoughts, prayers and support.
come visit me. I'm not supposed to talk on the phone for the next few days, but you can regail me with tales of how much you've missed me and you can show me your boobs.
I've had two takers, so far.
one of whom was a girl!
I am writing a movie about this, so now is your chance to get in.
eric!

Come see this show!

I'm in a show tomorrow night at Improv Olympic. I have a small part and I might have gout, but you should definitely come anyway. Last week's performance went over really well. The show is a nostalgic look at the high school phenomenon of a 'prom', taken from all different sides, through the eyes of numerous hilarious characters. if you find retainers sexy (and who doesn't?) you won't want to miss it. It's written and starring Annie Mebane and Lindsay Stidham, two talented broads from my class and features performances by Alex Berg and Sean Cowhig (who also directs). Look, I'm not going to mince words here, if you don't come, you're a dick. For fuck's sake, I may have gout and I'm gonna be there!

Quatah Poundah

You know how when you call for tech support for your computer, it actually goes to some person in India or something? No? Well it does, so shut up. And now they're doing it for drive-thru orders at McDonald's!

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - McDonald's Corp. wants to outsource your neighborhood drive-through. The world's largest fast-food chain said on Thursday it is looking into using remote call centers to take customer orders in an effort to improve service at its drive-throughs.

Pretty crazy, huh? They say the calls won't be going to India, more likely just to somewhere else in the U.S. but as for me, I'm gonna start eating at Burger King if they get a bunch of Canadians to do it. Or Rhode Islanders. Image a Boston accent mixed with a Long Island accent mixed with brain damage from huffing paint fumes and you have 'the Rhode Island accent'. Not really an appetizing way to start your lunch hour.

throwing caution to the wind

OK, you know what? Fuck it, I'm excited.

The Star Wars Episode III trailer just came out and I can't fucking wait for this movie to come out. Yes, I've burned twice before. Actually, much more than that if you count the "Wee-sa free!" scene tacked onto end of the Return of the Jedi DVD, but I digress.

Yes, the Episodes I and II trailers looked awesome and yes, those movies did suck big giant donkey balls, but Mr. Lucas, I forgive you and i am once again willing to get my hopes up that this will be the movie to redeem everything else.

Seriously, you don't understand! While you spent your childhood socializing and playing football, I was in my backyard, carrying a stick around, swinging it ferociously and moving large objects with my mind.

And even then, I wondered: how does it happen? How does Luke's father turn over to the dark side?

No kissing. No long trade federation debates. Lightsaber battles. Jedis betrayed. Anakin versus Obi-Wan. General Grievous. Wookies!

I'll be honest, maybe I'm naive, but I don't see how this can not be the greatest movie ever. OK, maybe if the Ewoks show up. Or Jar Jar. But c'mon, that's not going to happen, there's too much other cool stuff for anything lame to fit. For fuck's sake, Yoda fights the Emperor!

Please God, if I ask only one thing of you, it is that this movie turns out to be only half as cool as I am hoping. I figure you owe me.

It's like Samuel L. Jackson said in an interview (I'm paraphrasing): "Look, I know my character has to die in this movie and I told George I'm fine with that, but I'm not going out like a bitch."

Please Mr. Lucas, don't let Star Wars go out like a bitch.

Yes, yes I am

Am I a geek?

Should a 29 year old be this excited for the new Harry Potter book? Probably.

I mean, I'm excited for Revenge of the Sith, but Half-Blood Prince is keeping me up at night... wait, that sounds bad.

What I meant to say is, "It's only murder if the person isn't homeless."

There! Would a geek say that?

Raising the bar for creepiness (again)

Apparently the boy who claims Michael Jackson molested him is on tape a month before he would make his accusations telling the camera that Jacko cured his cancer.

"We were driving up the hill, and [Jackson] told me, 'You need to get better,'" the boy, then 13, said, per the AP. "He told me, 'You need to eat up all those cancer cells like Pac-Man.' I never forgot that."

That's a real quote! Go to the link, I'm not making this up! I know there's a horrible joke here somewhere, I'm just too tired to think it up right now.

But trust me, it would have been funny.

People, I need my $12,000

Look, ever since I can remember (last summer), I've had a dream. A dream of achieving financial independence. Some might call it a big dream. Some may call it 12,000 little dreams. Whatever. The point is: I need dough.

Why you ask? Because people need to eat and I am people. Sure, I could keep "working" at my stupid "job" until I've saved up that much money, but that could take years. And that's years spent not pursuing my ancillary dreams.

So what we have here is a dream within a dream. Realize my dream of having $12,000 so that I can quit my job and then start pursuing my dream of writing and acting for a living. Got it?

Now, where do you come into this equation? You have several options:

a.) give me the money outright, either in one large, lump sum or in smaller denominations. I'll take what I can get.
2.) hire me to write or act in something you're doing or...
d.) [censored]

"What's that? A third, less obnoxious option? Tell me more!"

[censored]

That's right, more stuff you can do to help me out even though I've given you nothing in return! Tell your friends about ericfilipkowski.com and how goddam funny it is. Tell them, seriously, you need to check it every single day and [censored] because if you don't, you're really missing out and your genitals will disappear.

Think about it, if I get my $12,000 and become successful, you can then try and contact my publicist in a vain attempt to call in some favors! You can bitterly tell your co-workers at the cracker factory that you knew me 'way back when' and that you actually aided me in my ascent to world domination. You can curse my name and hope I die for so quickly forgetting all the little people who supported me! That sounds like fun, doesn't it? Now start [censored] you spineless, talent-free morons!

a busy month ahead of me

Please check out my website, hollywoodphony.com for info about all the shows I'll be doing this month. Your support means alot to me, unless I don't actually like you, in which case, whatever.

Here comes my tiny army!

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Supreme Court (news - web sites) on Tuesday abolished the death penalty for juveniles, an important victory for opponents of capital punishment in the only country that gave official sanction to such executions.

I've said for the longest time that if you want to commit murder, get a baby to do it. Now, thanks to those damn activist judges, my path to mayhem is wide open! Soon I will train a whole squadron of tiny killers to do my bidding, secure in the knowledge that they will be free from any real retribution. Because, afterall, everyone knows the only real way to punish someone is by olde-tyme, death for death, vengence killing.