Meet Mary Raptorapper

So I've gotten a lot of comments about my last post pertaining to the picture of my friend Mary Raptorapper, the little girl with steam shooting out of her head. Those comments have all been forwarded to the FBI.

You see, what you couldn't have known is that Mary isn't actually a child. She has that disease where she appears to be a little kid even though she's not, like Gary Coleman, Webster and Andy Milonakis. She also has that disease where steam shoots out of her head anytime she strains. Like when she's mad or thinking really hard or trying to squeeze out a deuce when she's constipated.

That picture was taken three months ago on our trip to Frontier Mountain Reserve Timber Supply Forest. You may remember I wrote about Pickles before and how he was constructing an igloo for me to go to Disneyworld in. Well, surprise, surprise, that trip is not happening, but I figured the igloo shouldn't go to waste, so Mary and I went on a little weeklong day trip.

Anyway, Mary is a very special person. It wasn't easy for her, growing up on the inside but not having her body keep up. How many 46 year olds do you know who are only 4'3"? I mean, besides midgets, who I refuse to be friends with.

Never one to let her physical disability hold her back, Mary has actually used it to her advantage in her many and varied, successful careers.

Mary's first job is as a "sexual surrogate". That's kind of like a prostitute, but more respectable. She has sex with people so that they can work out their sexual problems in a safe, controlled environment. I know, sounds sketchy, right? But it's real, look it up. She had to get certified for this and actually went to school for seven years to get an advanced degree. Now, you may have jumped ahead and thought, "Wait, who the hell would want to have sex with a woman who looks like a child - OH GOD, NO!" And you are right to come to that conclusion. Mary's clientele is exclusive to the most horrible and universally reviled group on the planet: child molestors. She refers to them as "pedophiles" but I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here.

These are sick fucks who get their jollies banging kids. And not all of them are androgynous-looking multi-platinum selling recording arists. They come from all walks of life - as long as those walks go right by a school. They're priests, teachers, arcade employees, body modification artists, cell phone salesman. The list goes on. Mary, bless her, as taken it upon herself to have sex with these freaks in the hopes that they can work through their sick obsession by having sex with her, instead of real kids. I don't know how effective this is, but you have to respect the woman for trying. Just the thought of what she does turns my skin inside out with disgust.

Mary's second job, which is sometimes at odds with her first, is as an undercover police officer, working as bait to arrest child molestors. Personally, I think she should just quit her first job and concentrate on the second, but she has a more liberal attitude towards criminal activity and reformation than I.

The thing is, she's a very effective undercover cop when it comes to this. She has literally gotten hundreds of child molestors off the street but... and this part is hard to say, because really I wouldn't care if these bastards fell into a pit of lava. Nonetheless, there is a part of this job that really doesn't seem... fair... I guess is the word?

Look, a lot of these guys are just random sickos looking to pick up an innocent young girl playing in the park by herself and they deserve what they get (usually lots of anal rape in jail) but some of them are her clients. You know, from her first job. So they actually know she's not a kid... and technically they're doing nothing wrong.

Mary's dilemma is that she loves both jobs and doesn't want to quit either one. Frankly, she doesn't even see this as a conflict of interest. She does feel bad when she sends one of her clients to jail for sixteen years, but by her reckoning, child molestors can never be cured and they'd just molest some other kid eventually anyway. Now, I couldn't agree more, but if she really feels that way, what the hell is she doing trying to "help them" by having sex with them as a surrogate? I mean, it really leads you to only one conclusion but every time I bring it up, Mary starts to explain herself by using technical, psycho-analytical mumbo jumbo and then just kind of trails off or changes the subject. And I can't really push it because if I do she gets mad and steam shoots out of her head, like I said before. While this is a really funny sight, if she's indoors the superheated steam will often melt the paint off the ceiling, causing an unsightly blemish. Usually when I see she's getting ticked off, I suggest we go for a walk in the park. Until I remember that's where a lot of her "clients" hang out and then I decide against it because I always feel people perceive me as her child-whore pimp or something. And I've got enough problems as it is.

So that's the story of my friend, Mary Raptorapper. You can probably understand why I felt the need to report you to the FBI. I'm sorry but you deserve it. I have zero tolerance for this kind of thing. Some people might think it's funny to make jokes or long, involved, made-up stories about child molestation, but not me.