I know what I want for Christmas!

So it's six am, well it's five am now (thanks daylight savings time) and I can't sleep so this infomerical comes on for the "Velform Sauna Belt". I literally can't believe what I'm watching.

This is 2005, right? In America?

You put on a heating pad and it makes you sweat (there was some bullshit about "stored up toxins making you fat") and you instantly lose 2" off your waist. Sounds good, right? No, of course it doesn't sound good. Are you a fucking idiot?

How is the government allowing this scam to exist? Isn't this what we have a government for?

You've used a heating pad in the past, right? Did you notice any weight loss? Of course not. It's called the conservation of mass and it's one of the fundamental laws of nature.

I seriously recommend you stay up and watch this thing. Unless you're really gullible, in which case, go to bed at seven. This is the cheasiest thing I've ever seen. And it's 80 bucks! Plus they don't list the s&h charges. 80 bucks!

First of all, it's so gross. They show everyone taking off this thing and their stomachs are covered in sweat. Luckily, it doesn't work, or else it would quickly start smelling like someone's ass.

Second of all, they have these already toned and fit people taking off the belts, as if to reveal "hey, two seconds ago I was a fat slob and now I've got a six pack!" The kind of six pack you can only get from EXERCISE. Like doing thousands of crunches a day. The kind of six pack you'll never get just from "sweating away toxins".

But the best of all is the computer animations they have where fat people "morph" into skinny people and it's clearly not even the same people.

I went online to read all the angry complaints people must have about this thing but I found surprisingly little of that. I found lots of spam-type ads for people reselling these as a side business. Who do I have to complain to about this? The FTC or the FCC or the mob or what?

If you own one of these things, do me a favor and please never admit it to me or let me find out because I will kill you and I don't want to go to jail for murder. Then again, I'm sure there isn't a court in the country that would convict me.

And you really need to die.